Learning to count..with brothers

Today I met my brother for the first time..19 years, 1 month and 2 days after he entered the world. It was such a surreal moment..at work and my cousin just walks him in. This unbelievable sense of peace came  over me and I wasn't worried or scared. I looked at him and saw this sort of kindred spirit. We didnt know what to say to each other..we talked about the Bears and about other random things and just hung out. My cousin seemed nervous enough for the both of us, so we didn't have to worry. 
We talked about growing up. How I was the only girl. How he was an instant uncle to a 13 year old. How he was going from just having a little sister to now having two sisters and three brothers. I talked about my dad, well, our dad..and shared with him the most important lesson my father ever gave me. We are a family..we have no steps, halves or crap like that..we are family. He smiled, I looked him in his eyes and said it to him.."you are my brother." He smiled and looked at me in my eyes and said "cool." He's 19..what else would he say? So, now,the Soria kids are numbered at 5..let's hope the counting stops there. Welcome to the family Leo..

Ear you go..

Ever since I was a baby I have been plagued with chronic ear infections. In fact my very first memory is that of me being prepped to go to the hospital at just under 18 months old. My mom tells stories of me as a small child telling her my ears hurt and her taking me to the doctor and every time I said it, I had an ear infection. She would also say how she would find me sitting directly next to the tv, volume to the max, leaning towards the speaker, struggling to hear. I've had multiple minor surgeries to have tubes placed in and taken out. I've been to audiologists and ear, nose and throat doctors my entire life..well until I was 18. Here I sit 15 years later and I finally have insurance that will cover me going to see a specialist..a really good specialist..top rated by my insurance carrier. I'm so excited to be seen by this guy because I can't imagine my life without sound. I'm too selfish to let it go. I mean, how would I ever be able to have a "John Mayer kind of day" without being able to hear John Mayer? But what's worse is having impaired hearing.. I hate the way things sound right now, it sucks! I am really grateful to have had only mildly impaired hearing thus far, actually I feel blessed. When I last went to the ENT doctor he told me I had the ear canals of a 65 year old woman! That was about 15 years ago..can you imagine how old my ears are now? Yikes! To be continued..

Things I learn from TV..

Grief may be a thing we all have in common..but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to greive, it's life, it's loss, it's change..and when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes..hurt so bad..the thing we have to remember is it can turn on a dime.that's how you stay alive, when it hurts so much you can't breathe..that's how you stay alive..but remebering that one day somehow possibly it won't Hurt this much..grief comes in it's own time for everyone in it's own way...So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty..the really crappy thing is.. the very worst part is.. that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when you can..the very worst part is the minute you think your past it, it comes back..and almost everytime it takes your breath away..their are five stages of grief..they look different on everyone..denial..anger..bargaining..depression..acceptance.


The very worst part is the minute you think your past it, it comes back..and almost everytime it takes your breath away..

That's where I was last week..it came out of nowhere and paralyzed me..this week..I expect it..I can't imagine when I will sleep this week..I'm dreading 1:00am January 4th..I'm sure it won't be a pretty moment.
I didn't cry. I held it in. I took care of business..I called everyone . I had to be strong because that's what he told me he needed me to do..make sure they were ok. I knew I'd have my moment..I just thought it would be sooner..but here I am two years later..and my breath has been stolen.

I'm an idiot.
I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there..
I, Anna Soria, am an idiot.

There are many things I am.
There are many things I could be.
There are so many things I long to be.

 Idiot..is not one of the things I desire to be.

Here I am, sitting, searching, looking for a brother that Ive never met and am not even sure what his name is. Today isn't the first day I've looked for him, Leo, that's what my cousin said his name was. My older cousin, Annie, she knows Leo's mom. Annie knows where they live. Annie knows, I know Annie's phone number, I don't call. I'm not an idiot..I'm scared.

Why?

What if he hates me? What if he looks just like my dad? What if this is all some big huge misunderstanding and I am freaking out over nothing? What if it's not true? What if it is true?
What do I do with an 18 year old brother? How do I explain to him that I never knew about him? That on his death bed my father never acknowledged him? I have bad luck..he's gonna ask me..like he'd have a conversation with Joe? Anybody else having a flash of all sorts of awkward? Because I am.

I need therapy. 

Actually, I don't need therapy.
I need to start telling myself the truth.
Actually see things for what they are..
See that I'm not an idiot but that I'm scared of an 18yr old kid that may or may not be my brother, whom I've never met. See that there is SO much about my dad that I don't know and it's scary to me. What if there are more? 

I grew up a basically an only child.. They say that kids more than 5 yrs apart tend to behave as only children..I don't know. I sort of identified with the only child thing..I felt alone a lot. I always knew Joe was there..but he only liked to torment me. I was always Joe (Sir-ee-ya)'s little sister..Anna (Soar-ee-uh). I wanted to have a little brother or sister to torment too. I wanted to be their coach for soccer and be cool and to teach how to do fun things when my parents weren't around. I gave up hope at some point that my wish would ever come true. There would never be a littler Soria sibling.. *sigh

-FlashBack-

2004

Sitting at work..
I had called my dad's house for some reason I cannot remember. Elena, his wife answers the phone, "Bueno?" I froze..uhhh..what do I say? " Umm, puedo llamar con Trini, por favor?" 
What?
What the hell did I just say? Idiot?
I'm lucky "Donde esta la biblioteca?" wasn't my response. Anyway..somehow Elena figured out what the Gringa was looking for. My dad wasn't home, he was at work, I was shocked. She starts telling me how much she wants to meet me and the pictures and Joe, and Ethan and blah blah blah..can't wait for you to meet your brother..

What the? 

"I'm sorry, did you just say MEET my brother? You mean Joe? Because (insert my famous sarcasm) I've met him before.."

"no, your brother, Marco."

Polo? What is this lady talking about? If I had another brother I would know about it my family doesn't keep secrets and live passive aggressive life styles...oh shit. 

Phone list..
1) for sure brother..Joe. No answer.
2) mom..would she know? Skip.
3) grandpa? Hmmm..let's try.

"Hey grandpa..funny story..do I have another brother who is like 2?" 

Silence. Grandpa says to Call Joe..I call my mom. Mom says call Joe. Call Joe.

Joe, ummm...do we have a brother, named Marco? Who is two..

The expectation: that's funny! Who is screwing with you?? Let's all laugh and be merry!

The reality: silence, the sigh, the questioned response of "who told you?"

-flash forward-

This couldn't possibly happening to me twice? 
I think my father brought his love for Mexican soap operas to a whole new real world level..ay dios.

Just another reason not to sleep..