30 December 2008

The lights are off.
The boys and Elena are in the room with you.
I'm sitting on the couch, I didn't want  to be too loud because it was late. I don't remember the day it was but it was definitely after Christmas. Joe had gone back home already and I was alone, well, I felt alone. I gave myself a routine every night that consisted of me ending up  falling asleep on and off watching DVDs on my computer with my head phones on. My ears hurt so bad from having those stupid ear buds in and falling asleep with them in. Every time I woke up, I was surprised you were still here. Every night around the same time my heart would jump out of my chest every time someone moved in the room. It was about this day two years ago that I knew it would be soon. 
We had already had that moment..
I will never ever forget it.. I promise.
It was honestly and truly the most sincere and genuine moment of unconditional love I have ever experienced in my life firsthand.

You were asleep. Your breathing was growing more and more shallow, but you were still able to speak..albeit softly. No one was home, it was just us. Joe had gone somewhere and Elena was out shopping with the boys. I had pulled a chair up next to you, I wanted to be close to you. You opened your eyes and just looked at me and didn't say a word..you just looked at me. We had already been through so much in those weeks and it was nice to be there and just be quiet, just you, just me. You moved your hand so it was touching mine and gently with your finger, you rubbed my finger. I tried so hard to look up at you, and then you asked me why I was crying. I didn't even realize I was. I was in what I can only explain as a moment of prayer, I guess. I wasn't necessarily talking to God but just trying to hear God. I had asked him for so many things up until that moment and He had seemed so silent. You asked me again. I became overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't  breathe I was crying so hard. It went on forever it seemed. You lifted your hand with whatever strength you had left and began to tenderly caress my head. You told me to stop crying and that just made it worse. You told me I was gonna be ok. You told me I was strong and I would be just fine. You told me to take care of my brothers and to make sure they were ok. I don't remember hearing anyone come in but I remember looking at Joe's face as he walked into and walked out of the room. I don't know if he truly realized the gravity of what was happening in that moment, I'm not sure I completely do either. He left us, I heard him tell the others to let us have our moment. I will never forget that moment. The way it felt, physically and emotionally. I never thought my soul could heal and my heart could break in the exact same moment. Thank you for that moment. I needed that moment so desperately. God was silent, His words weren't necessary in that moment. He gave me the Fathers touch and calming spirit the way He knew I needed it and not how I thought I would get it.

Superfudge

I walked into the Heartland Cafe a few weeks back, sat down at the bar, ordered a snakebite and some dinner to go and sat silently while I waited for my food. I had been to the Heartland many times prior but it had been awhile since I had taken a peek inside the "General Store." I was told my food was ready and I mentioned to the clerk in acknowledgement that I wanted to just look around for a minute. That's when I saw it, the time machine back to an unexpected memory, a memory long ago misplaced in the junk drawer of my mind. It stared me down with it's purple jacket and bright yellow title illuminating the cover and there she was..straight out of my long forgotten, Judy Blume.

Maybe you had this growing up or maybe you didnt have it, The Weekly Reader. It was this magazine of sorts filled with literary treasures suited for kindergarten through 6th grade. I remember bring it home to my mom on many occasions with circles all over the wonderful things I absolutely needed to have in order to live. I was seldomly granted all of my requests if ever yet if the occasion arose where I had circled something relating to Judy Blume my mom was bound to cave. My mom loved Judy Blume books. Tales of a fourth grade nothing, Fudge and now Super Fudge. I would have Super Fudge. My wish was of course granted and when my lovely weekly reader finally appeared on my desk, in my class, I could not wait to get it home.

"life was going along okay when my mother and father dropped the news. BLAM! Just like that." no, I'm not speaking of my life as a six year old..we shall save that for another day! That's the first line of Super Fudge, just to give you some reference. Let's come back to present day, shall we? Standing in the "general Store" in pause, I remembered the moments my mom, my brother and myself spent sitting on the bed in her room, reading this silly book. I bought it, it was only a dollar! How often can you buy memories on sale? It was freezing on the block and a half walk home but I seemed not to notice it at all. It wasn't cold sitting in that room all those years ago it was nice and warm and that's where I was. Just Me, Mom, Joe and Super Fudge.