Today I met my brother for the first time..19 years, 1 month and 2 days after he entered the world. It was such a surreal moment..at work and my cousin just walks him in. This unbelievable sense of peace came over me and I wasn't worried or scared. I looked at him and saw this sort of kindred spirit. We didnt know what to say to each other..we talked about the Bears and about other random things and just hung out. My cousin seemed nervous enough for the both of us, so we didn't have to worry.
We talked about growing up. How I was the only girl. How he was an instant uncle to a 13 year old. How he was going from just having a little sister to now having two sisters and three brothers. I talked about my dad, well, our dad..and shared with him the most important lesson my father ever gave me. We are a family..we have no steps, halves or crap like that..we are family. He smiled, I looked him in his eyes and said it to him.."you are my brother." He smiled and looked at me in my eyes and said "cool." He's 19..what else would he say? So, now,the Soria kids are numbered at 5..let's hope the counting stops there. Welcome to the family Leo..
Monday, January 17, 2011
Ear you go..
Ever since I was a baby I have been plagued with chronic ear infections. In fact my very first memory is that of me being prepped to go to the hospital at just under 18 months old. My mom tells stories of me as a small child telling her my ears hurt and her taking me to the doctor and every time I said it, I had an ear infection. She would also say how she would find me sitting directly next to the tv, volume to the max, leaning towards the speaker, struggling to hear. I've had multiple minor surgeries to have tubes placed in and taken out. I've been to audiologists and ear, nose and throat doctors my entire life..well until I was 18. Here I sit 15 years later and I finally have insurance that will cover me going to see a specialist..a really good specialist..top rated by my insurance carrier. I'm so excited to be seen by this guy because I can't imagine my life without sound. I'm too selfish to let it go. I mean, how would I ever be able to have a "John Mayer kind of day" without being able to hear John Mayer? But what's worse is having impaired hearing.. I hate the way things sound right now, it sucks! I am really grateful to have had only mildly impaired hearing thus far, actually I feel blessed. When I last went to the ENT doctor he told me I had the ear canals of a 65 year old woman! That was about 15 years ago..can you imagine how old my ears are now? Yikes! To be continued..
Monday, January 3, 2011
Things I learn from TV..
Grief may be a thing we all have in common..but it looks different on everyone. It isn't just death we have to greive, it's life, it's loss, it's change..and when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes..hurt so bad..the thing we have to remember is it can turn on a dime.that's how you stay alive, when it hurts so much you can't breathe..that's how you stay alive..but remebering that one day somehow possibly it won't Hurt this much..grief comes in it's own time for everyone in it's own way...So the best we can do, the best anyone can do is try for honesty..the really crappy thing is.. the very worst part is.. that you can't control it. The best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when you can..the very worst part is the minute you think your past it, it comes back..and almost everytime it takes your breath away..their are five stages of grief..they look different on everyone..denial..anger..bargaining..depression..acceptance.
The very worst part is the minute you think your past it, it comes back..and almost everytime it takes your breath away..
That's where I was last week..it came out of nowhere and paralyzed me..this week..I expect it..I can't imagine when I will sleep this week..I'm dreading 1:00am January 4th..I'm sure it won't be a pretty moment.
I didn't cry. I held it in. I took care of business..I called everyone . I had to be strong because that's what he told me he needed me to do..make sure they were ok. I knew I'd have my moment..I just thought it would be sooner..but here I am two years later..and my breath has been stolen.
The very worst part is the minute you think your past it, it comes back..and almost everytime it takes your breath away..
That's where I was last week..it came out of nowhere and paralyzed me..this week..I expect it..I can't imagine when I will sleep this week..I'm dreading 1:00am January 4th..I'm sure it won't be a pretty moment.
I didn't cry. I held it in. I took care of business..I called everyone . I had to be strong because that's what he told me he needed me to do..make sure they were ok. I knew I'd have my moment..I just thought it would be sooner..but here I am two years later..and my breath has been stolen.
I'm an idiot.
I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there..
I, Anna Soria, am an idiot.
There are many things I am.
There are many things I could be.
There are so many things I long to be.
Idiot..is not one of the things I desire to be.
Here I am, sitting, searching, looking for a brother that Ive never met and am not even sure what his name is. Today isn't the first day I've looked for him, Leo, that's what my cousin said his name was. My older cousin, Annie, she knows Leo's mom. Annie knows where they live. Annie knows, I know Annie's phone number, I don't call. I'm not an idiot..I'm scared.
Why?
What if he hates me? What if he looks just like my dad? What if this is all some big huge misunderstanding and I am freaking out over nothing? What if it's not true? What if it is true?
What do I do with an 18 year old brother? How do I explain to him that I never knew about him? That on his death bed my father never acknowledged him? I have bad luck..he's gonna ask me..like he'd have a conversation with Joe? Anybody else having a flash of all sorts of awkward? Because I am.
I need therapy.
Actually, I don't need therapy.
I need to start telling myself the truth.
Actually see things for what they are..
See that I'm not an idiot but that I'm scared of an 18yr old kid that may or may not be my brother, whom I've never met. See that there is SO much about my dad that I don't know and it's scary to me. What if there are more?
I grew up a basically an only child.. They say that kids more than 5 yrs apart tend to behave as only children..I don't know. I sort of identified with the only child thing..I felt alone a lot. I always knew Joe was there..but he only liked to torment me. I was always Joe (Sir-ee-ya)'s little sister..Anna (Soar-ee-uh). I wanted to have a little brother or sister to torment too. I wanted to be their coach for soccer and be cool and to teach how to do fun things when my parents weren't around. I gave up hope at some point that my wish would ever come true. There would never be a littler Soria sibling.. *sigh
-FlashBack-
2004
Sitting at work..
I had called my dad's house for some reason I cannot remember. Elena, his wife answers the phone, "Bueno?" I froze..uhhh..what do I say? " Umm, puedo llamar con Trini, por favor?"
What?
What the hell did I just say? Idiot?
I'm lucky "Donde esta la biblioteca?" wasn't my response. Anyway..somehow Elena figured out what the Gringa was looking for. My dad wasn't home, he was at work, I was shocked. She starts telling me how much she wants to meet me and the pictures and Joe, and Ethan and blah blah blah..can't wait for you to meet your brother..
What the?
"I'm sorry, did you just say MEET my brother? You mean Joe? Because (insert my famous sarcasm) I've met him before.."
"no, your brother, Marco."
Polo? What is this lady talking about? If I had another brother I would know about it my family doesn't keep secrets and live passive aggressive life styles...oh shit.
Phone list..
1) for sure brother..Joe. No answer.
2) mom..would she know? Skip.
3) grandpa? Hmmm..let's try.
"Hey grandpa..funny story..do I have another brother who is like 2?"
Silence. Grandpa says to Call Joe..I call my mom. Mom says call Joe. Call Joe.
Joe, ummm...do we have a brother, named Marco? Who is two..
The expectation: that's funny! Who is screwing with you?? Let's all laugh and be merry!
The reality: silence, the sigh, the questioned response of "who told you?"
-flash forward-
This couldn't possibly happening to me twice?
I think my father brought his love for Mexican soap operas to a whole new real world level..ay dios.
Just another reason not to sleep..
I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there..
I, Anna Soria, am an idiot.
There are many things I am.
There are many things I could be.
There are so many things I long to be.
Idiot..is not one of the things I desire to be.
Here I am, sitting, searching, looking for a brother that Ive never met and am not even sure what his name is. Today isn't the first day I've looked for him, Leo, that's what my cousin said his name was. My older cousin, Annie, she knows Leo's mom. Annie knows where they live. Annie knows, I know Annie's phone number, I don't call. I'm not an idiot..I'm scared.
Why?
What if he hates me? What if he looks just like my dad? What if this is all some big huge misunderstanding and I am freaking out over nothing? What if it's not true? What if it is true?
What do I do with an 18 year old brother? How do I explain to him that I never knew about him? That on his death bed my father never acknowledged him? I have bad luck..he's gonna ask me..like he'd have a conversation with Joe? Anybody else having a flash of all sorts of awkward? Because I am.
I need therapy.
Actually, I don't need therapy.
I need to start telling myself the truth.
Actually see things for what they are..
See that I'm not an idiot but that I'm scared of an 18yr old kid that may or may not be my brother, whom I've never met. See that there is SO much about my dad that I don't know and it's scary to me. What if there are more?
I grew up a basically an only child.. They say that kids more than 5 yrs apart tend to behave as only children..I don't know. I sort of identified with the only child thing..I felt alone a lot. I always knew Joe was there..but he only liked to torment me. I was always Joe (Sir-ee-ya)'s little sister..Anna (Soar-ee-uh). I wanted to have a little brother or sister to torment too. I wanted to be their coach for soccer and be cool and to teach how to do fun things when my parents weren't around. I gave up hope at some point that my wish would ever come true. There would never be a littler Soria sibling.. *sigh
-FlashBack-
2004
Sitting at work..
I had called my dad's house for some reason I cannot remember. Elena, his wife answers the phone, "Bueno?" I froze..uhhh..what do I say? " Umm, puedo llamar con Trini, por favor?"
What?
What the hell did I just say? Idiot?
I'm lucky "Donde esta la biblioteca?" wasn't my response. Anyway..somehow Elena figured out what the Gringa was looking for. My dad wasn't home, he was at work, I was shocked. She starts telling me how much she wants to meet me and the pictures and Joe, and Ethan and blah blah blah..can't wait for you to meet your brother..
What the?
"I'm sorry, did you just say MEET my brother? You mean Joe? Because (insert my famous sarcasm) I've met him before.."
"no, your brother, Marco."
Polo? What is this lady talking about? If I had another brother I would know about it my family doesn't keep secrets and live passive aggressive life styles...oh shit.
Phone list..
1) for sure brother..Joe. No answer.
2) mom..would she know? Skip.
3) grandpa? Hmmm..let's try.
"Hey grandpa..funny story..do I have another brother who is like 2?"
Silence. Grandpa says to Call Joe..I call my mom. Mom says call Joe. Call Joe.
Joe, ummm...do we have a brother, named Marco? Who is two..
The expectation: that's funny! Who is screwing with you?? Let's all laugh and be merry!
The reality: silence, the sigh, the questioned response of "who told you?"
-flash forward-
This couldn't possibly happening to me twice?
I think my father brought his love for Mexican soap operas to a whole new real world level..ay dios.
Just another reason not to sleep..
Thursday, December 30, 2010
30 December 2008
The lights are off.
The boys and Elena are in the room with you.
I'm sitting on the couch, I didn't want to be too loud because it was late. I don't remember the day it was but it was definitely after Christmas. Joe had gone back home already and I was alone, well, I felt alone. I gave myself a routine every night that consisted of me ending up falling asleep on and off watching DVDs on my computer with my head phones on. My ears hurt so bad from having those stupid ear buds in and falling asleep with them in. Every time I woke up, I was surprised you were still here. Every night around the same time my heart would jump out of my chest every time someone moved in the room. It was about this day two years ago that I knew it would be soon.
We had already had that moment..
I will never ever forget it.. I promise.
It was honestly and truly the most sincere and genuine moment of unconditional love I have ever experienced in my life firsthand.
You were asleep. Your breathing was growing more and more shallow, but you were still able to speak..albeit softly. No one was home, it was just us. Joe had gone somewhere and Elena was out shopping with the boys. I had pulled a chair up next to you, I wanted to be close to you. You opened your eyes and just looked at me and didn't say a word..you just looked at me. We had already been through so much in those weeks and it was nice to be there and just be quiet, just you, just me. You moved your hand so it was touching mine and gently with your finger, you rubbed my finger. I tried so hard to look up at you, and then you asked me why I was crying. I didn't even realize I was. I was in what I can only explain as a moment of prayer, I guess. I wasn't necessarily talking to God but just trying to hear God. I had asked him for so many things up until that moment and He had seemed so silent. You asked me again. I became overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. It went on forever it seemed. You lifted your hand with whatever strength you had left and began to tenderly caress my head. You told me to stop crying and that just made it worse. You told me I was gonna be ok. You told me I was strong and I would be just fine. You told me to take care of my brothers and to make sure they were ok. I don't remember hearing anyone come in but I remember looking at Joe's face as he walked into and walked out of the room. I don't know if he truly realized the gravity of what was happening in that moment, I'm not sure I completely do either. He left us, I heard him tell the others to let us have our moment. I will never forget that moment. The way it felt, physically and emotionally. I never thought my soul could heal and my heart could break in the exact same moment. Thank you for that moment. I needed that moment so desperately. God was silent, His words weren't necessary in that moment. He gave me the Fathers touch and calming spirit the way He knew I needed it and not how I thought I would get it.
The boys and Elena are in the room with you.
I'm sitting on the couch, I didn't want to be too loud because it was late. I don't remember the day it was but it was definitely after Christmas. Joe had gone back home already and I was alone, well, I felt alone. I gave myself a routine every night that consisted of me ending up falling asleep on and off watching DVDs on my computer with my head phones on. My ears hurt so bad from having those stupid ear buds in and falling asleep with them in. Every time I woke up, I was surprised you were still here. Every night around the same time my heart would jump out of my chest every time someone moved in the room. It was about this day two years ago that I knew it would be soon.
We had already had that moment..
I will never ever forget it.. I promise.
It was honestly and truly the most sincere and genuine moment of unconditional love I have ever experienced in my life firsthand.
You were asleep. Your breathing was growing more and more shallow, but you were still able to speak..albeit softly. No one was home, it was just us. Joe had gone somewhere and Elena was out shopping with the boys. I had pulled a chair up next to you, I wanted to be close to you. You opened your eyes and just looked at me and didn't say a word..you just looked at me. We had already been through so much in those weeks and it was nice to be there and just be quiet, just you, just me. You moved your hand so it was touching mine and gently with your finger, you rubbed my finger. I tried so hard to look up at you, and then you asked me why I was crying. I didn't even realize I was. I was in what I can only explain as a moment of prayer, I guess. I wasn't necessarily talking to God but just trying to hear God. I had asked him for so many things up until that moment and He had seemed so silent. You asked me again. I became overwhelmed with emotion and couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. It went on forever it seemed. You lifted your hand with whatever strength you had left and began to tenderly caress my head. You told me to stop crying and that just made it worse. You told me I was gonna be ok. You told me I was strong and I would be just fine. You told me to take care of my brothers and to make sure they were ok. I don't remember hearing anyone come in but I remember looking at Joe's face as he walked into and walked out of the room. I don't know if he truly realized the gravity of what was happening in that moment, I'm not sure I completely do either. He left us, I heard him tell the others to let us have our moment. I will never forget that moment. The way it felt, physically and emotionally. I never thought my soul could heal and my heart could break in the exact same moment. Thank you for that moment. I needed that moment so desperately. God was silent, His words weren't necessary in that moment. He gave me the Fathers touch and calming spirit the way He knew I needed it and not how I thought I would get it.
Superfudge
I walked into the Heartland Cafe a few weeks back, sat down at the bar, ordered a snakebite and some dinner to go and sat silently while I waited for my food. I had been to the Heartland many times prior but it had been awhile since I had taken a peek inside the "General Store." I was told my food was ready and I mentioned to the clerk in acknowledgement that I wanted to just look around for a minute. That's when I saw it, the time machine back to an unexpected memory, a memory long ago misplaced in the junk drawer of my mind. It stared me down with it's purple jacket and bright yellow title illuminating the cover and there she was..straight out of my long forgotten, Judy Blume.
Maybe you had this growing up or maybe you didnt have it, The Weekly Reader. It was this magazine of sorts filled with literary treasures suited for kindergarten through 6th grade. I remember bring it home to my mom on many occasions with circles all over the wonderful things I absolutely needed to have in order to live. I was seldomly granted all of my requests if ever yet if the occasion arose where I had circled something relating to Judy Blume my mom was bound to cave. My mom loved Judy Blume books. Tales of a fourth grade nothing, Fudge and now Super Fudge. I would have Super Fudge. My wish was of course granted and when my lovely weekly reader finally appeared on my desk, in my class, I could not wait to get it home.
"life was going along okay when my mother and father dropped the news. BLAM! Just like that." no, I'm not speaking of my life as a six year old..we shall save that for another day! That's the first line of Super Fudge, just to give you some reference. Let's come back to present day, shall we? Standing in the "general Store" in pause, I remembered the moments my mom, my brother and myself spent sitting on the bed in her room, reading this silly book. I bought it, it was only a dollar! How often can you buy memories on sale? It was freezing on the block and a half walk home but I seemed not to notice it at all. It wasn't cold sitting in that room all those years ago it was nice and warm and that's where I was. Just Me, Mom, Joe and Super Fudge.
Maybe you had this growing up or maybe you didnt have it, The Weekly Reader. It was this magazine of sorts filled with literary treasures suited for kindergarten through 6th grade. I remember bring it home to my mom on many occasions with circles all over the wonderful things I absolutely needed to have in order to live. I was seldomly granted all of my requests if ever yet if the occasion arose where I had circled something relating to Judy Blume my mom was bound to cave. My mom loved Judy Blume books. Tales of a fourth grade nothing, Fudge and now Super Fudge. I would have Super Fudge. My wish was of course granted and when my lovely weekly reader finally appeared on my desk, in my class, I could not wait to get it home.
"life was going along okay when my mother and father dropped the news. BLAM! Just like that." no, I'm not speaking of my life as a six year old..we shall save that for another day! That's the first line of Super Fudge, just to give you some reference. Let's come back to present day, shall we? Standing in the "general Store" in pause, I remembered the moments my mom, my brother and myself spent sitting on the bed in her room, reading this silly book. I bought it, it was only a dollar! How often can you buy memories on sale? It was freezing on the block and a half walk home but I seemed not to notice it at all. It wasn't cold sitting in that room all those years ago it was nice and warm and that's where I was. Just Me, Mom, Joe and Super Fudge.
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