way too familiar..

March 5th..
My brother Joe and I took my mom out for dinner to celebrate her birthday. Nice restaurant, good food and what should've have been a celebration of my mom's life.

My mom's life..
I sat down at the table, I was of course late for dinner, and my brother had his serious and concerned face on. I was wondering what I walked into. A bit of casual conversation and then mom says..
"There is something I need to tell you, I already told Joe before you got here, now I need to tell you."

SHIT. Immediately I thought..She is about to say she and Jimmy are getting married. Uggh..I don't like this guy at all..but whatever.

"I have cancer." my mom said in a broken voice. "My doctor confirmed it the other day, it's breast cancer."
I bit my cheek so I wouldn't cry. I let her talk about what the doctor said and what was going to happen and all the stuff she knew already, Joe and I just listened.

Is this seriously happening? It was three years ago this month that I found out that my dad had cancer and he was gone nine months later. Is this some kind of cruel joke? Am I seriously dealing with my mother having cancer now too?

We made it through dinner and talked about a bunch of random things that I don't even remember. We said our goodbye's and all went our separate ways. I went to my car and just sat there. Who do I call? What do I do? If I call someone will I even get a word out? What do I even say? I pondered calling a handful of different people..but instead..I just sat there. I didn't cry at first, I just sat there staring at the rain. It took me a few minutes and then I became overcome with emotion. Overcome with fear. Overcome with a violent rage. Overcome with genuine sadness. The three months I spent next to my dad's bed while he slowly faded away were the most exhausting months of my life. The last couple of weeks I prayed for him to go in his sleep so it would just be over. I thought about my grandmother and her battle with cancer. I thought about Bob Morris, the first person I ever lost.

Cancer isn't always a death sentence, I know this. It's hard for me to see it any other way right now, although I'm honestly trying. I'm doing my best to support my mom and let her know that I will be with her during her journey.

Monday, my mom had a lumpectomy. She is doing ok, she is uncertain of how she feels just yet. On Tuesday we will go to a series of  doctor's appointment to find out results and a plan for the future. My hope is that my mom's future is not defined by cancer..and that she will continue to stay positive. My hope is that the lessons I learned with my father's battle will be in the forefront of my mind and heart and I will be able to help my mom through this journey.

I haven't really spoken too much about this..and there are only a handful of very select people that know about my mom. I'd appreciate this staying as private as it can possibly stay. thanks.